TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely outside of area. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let us have A further location the place American Adult men can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It can be that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by Trump Tower Damascus a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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